Happy 0th Birthday (From the OR)

Today I witnessed the birth of a beautiful baby girl and a beautiful baby boy. They kept their eyes shut and their fists clenched as their lungs breathed for the first time and let our the innocent cries of newborn twins. Congratulations to the parents, and Happy Birthday to the siblings!

I don’t know your name, and I don’t think I ever will.. but when your held your clenched fist up in the air I knew you’d be a fighter- fighting for your sister all the way through. And she’s trying to look at you, her eyes shut for you’re a light too bright in her eyes. Dull yourself for her, won’t you? And she’ll shine for you both. I don’t know her name either, but I bet she’s a lot like her mother- a quiet whisper, a silent laugh, a comforting silence away from slowing a world that’s moving too fast for you both. She’s slowing time, one glance at a time.. and she doesn’t mind that she has pushed her pain tolerance beyond the capacity of a meter, because she sees how you’re throwing your arms towards her already. She notices how when you cry, you’re only crying because you know no one will ever love you as much as she does. I don’t know your name, and you’ll never know mine… or how to pronounce it or what it rhymes with. You wouldn’t even know me, but I think I can liveĀ  with that. I’ll imagine your little fingers to grow into hands of talented artists, writers, musicians; your unopened eyes to open into a world of possibilities; your heart to love and your mind to embrace the beauty of life. I’ll never know your names, or your secrets or the stories of you growing up. All I know is this moment, this instant, this very second when you stepped into this world, and let me tell you- it was beautiful.

Wishing you both the very best in life- a smooth and calm ride, plenty of worthwhile memories and I hope someday we meet again (even if you don’t recognize me and I don’t recognize you).
Happy Birthday šŸ™‚

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Today (It could have been)

Today could have been my day, but it isn’t.
It could have been the day where I stand in front of a camera, but I’m standing in front of my alarm clock instead battling sleep on one hand, and Internal Medicine on the other hand (and trust me, two hands aren’t enough).
Today could have been the end of a journey, but I’m still travelling.. way too far, for way too long.
Today, I could have won. But I chose not to.
Today I could have known so much about myself, but I remain confused.
Today I could have congratulated myself, but I’ve got no time for formalities.
Today I see the impact of the decision I made five years ago, instead of never knowing.
But today I’ve won anyway, even though I feel like I’m lost in terminology I’d never have known otherwise.
And today I choose again- the same road, the same walk, the same place… I chose when I didn’t choose you.

That girl you wish I was

I’m not going to be that girl you wish I was.. the one who you can call up at 2:22 am because you want to make someone else wonder why your phone’s busy. I’m not going to be that girl who holds your hand in secret but lets go as soon as she walks in. I’m not going to ignore you in a crowd of hundred if you haven’t ignored me when I was alone. I’m not going to be that shelved book that you can borrow when you want to look busy and put back up on the shelf when no one’s looking. I’m not going to be the girl you need to look out for because I’m not going to be hiding behind one of your shadows. I’d rather be running away from all your shadows, for what it’s worth.. I’m not going to be the girl who’d make small talk or give you directions to a place you know already. I’ll be here, and I’ll be gone before you know it… and I know you’re probably not going to even notice or know, but if you do take this from me- I thought you were the kind of person I wished you were before I realized that I didn’t want to be the kind of girl you wished I was.

You never told me about her, but you didn’t have to. I knew when the songs played, and I knew in the way you looked so often into the distance that she was the only person in the world who could erase that vacant brown in your eyes. I watched you, time and time again, kicking pebbles on the ground, picking up arguments where there were none but walking away from the fights… and when I asked you why, you pretended not to hear me. She was indeed your sunshine, but you were a rainstorm.. and the best you couldĀ  be together was a rainbow in a world that saw in black and white.

174 times

I loved you 174 times and you loved her 175 times. That’s the bit to the equation that doesn’t equal at all, where mathematics cannot explain how differences aren’t mere stepping stones, but sometimes downfalls too. This is the part where physics doesn’t explain how love is a stronger force than inertia sometimes. You are the chemistry lesson I skipped because I knew even before I met you that whatever it was that was going to grow between us was going to be stronger than any ionic or covalent bond ever recorded. I knew your world was so vast that binary numbers could never describe you, but how did you fall in love with someone whose beginnings started with the ends of a QWERTY keyboard?Ā I loved even numbers and you loved odd ones, and for you I turned myself into raindrops on summer nights, a consonant between all the vowels you loved, a water colour on a pastel painting, and I still wasn’t odd enough to chase after a past you were trying to forget, like she did. 174 wasn’t odd enough a number to you, and I’ll never be even either.

Irony

You told me you’ve never met anyone like me before as you drew stick figures on ruled paper. You made no promises but you painted the world for me, and how was I to tell you that I’ve never met someone like you either without paraphrasing you? You looked up at a sky you couldn’t see and told me how some secrets were too heavy for the clouds to hold. Your words were well-spotted spaceships flying on a cloudless summer sky that I mistook for shooting stars instead. I was certain you were talking about me, painting the world my favorite colours and throwing darts into the night sky, but… you weren’t at all. You were only talking about yourself, dusting the silhouette of me from your world and marking all the memories that looked too much like me. You told me I held the world in my palms, but I realized you sounded just like someone else- someone who watched the world slip between my fingers and laughed so loud that I didn’t hear myself cry. You’re the irony of a sentence I try to avoid but end up writing about anyway.

The space between yes and no

In the space between yes and no I am one hundred people. My mind wanders as far as the horizon but sprints back to the blank page staring at me. Your footsteps sound like mispronunciations of my name, and my fingers shuffle through every alternate meaning that I am… In the space between yes and no; I am you, and I am me, and I am fifty pairs of eyes, and I am an empty seat- the one next to you. In the space between yes and no I am a heartbeat-
On the verge of giving up
But beating still.
For you.

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