I promise.

I haven’t committed a crime! I’ve only just spoken… when I was not supposed to. The content is not important either. When I heard his words, I regretted every word that I spoke. I had made him worry… about me, about his expectations. I am truly very sorry… and I promise that five-minute conversation I had with a friend would never happen again. Never in your presence, never when you’re doing what you do to make us all smile someday.

Your words hit hard on me. I felt like a million little needles were being pierced right through me. The thin, piercing way that hurt me as much as it didn’t. You weren’t even looking at me but your words came straight to me. They made their way into me, filling me to the core. Through my eyes, my ears and every inch of my skin breathed them in. I felt bad, so bad, about myself. I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t look at you… I couldn’t even look away, because I knew it wouldn’t make sense to look at someone else when the words were only meant for me. I looked down at the table instead… I knew you were watching me from the corners of your eyes. You pretended like the words weren’t for me, and every other person must have thought that way too… but, but, I knew. I knew, and that was all that mattered. You were speaking to me, I was listening to you… what difference does an audience make? I shed silent tears of shame and I couldn’t even muster the strength to look up at you. I only moved my eyes to focus on you on and off to see if you were looking my way. I didn’t want you to, and yet I wanted you to. Part of me wanted you to just scream at me, to tell me it was wrong to change ever so slightly, yet ever so greatly… your words were pointed at me, and I knew the arrow-heads were all staring at me, waiting to hit me in the heart. Your words were burning hot, melting my heart… your words were caring, they were hurt… and that killed me. They had so much power in them that nothing I did for the rest of the day seemed meaningful. Not even my favorite subjects at school.

Ramblings (Yes, again!)

Wrote this last night at 10:00 pm. Skip the introduction if you want to. This is basically what’s going on in my life right now… we had the presentation and I realised that I’m actually improving on speaking to crowds (crowd = 4 friends and my teacher). Besides that, today, I accidentally dropped a chair on one of my friends and I know it must have hurt him even if he pretended like it didn’t. Also, today, we had squad practices (sports meet coming up) and my classmates were screaming their heads off commanding us. I was afraid of them (they were so loud) but I was very respectful for how much effort they were putting in to see our house win. Under 7, under 9 and under 11 selections took place today and I watched my friends handle the little kids. It was nice watching tall figures amongst little ones, holding hands… I captured memories like photographs in my head. One day, maybe, they’d ask me if I remember the day they had the under 9 selections… and maybe then I’d tell them how nice it really looked from where I was.

My brain’s too tired to think, my eyes too tired to read
That is exactly when my writing skills are in need.
Not that I have any, maybe I don’t…
But bragging about something that isn’t, I won’t.

Notes of chemiosmosis, numbers of ATP molecules,
My thoughts have been scattered around in granules.
A distant voice of a teenaged girl rings in my ears,
My eye lids droop and for a moment I forget my fears.

Tomorrow would start a good new day,
A lot to hear and a little to say.
“Forward March” would be said time and again
And my presentation might not keep them sane.

Tonight I’ll refill my energy with some sleep
To speak to remnants of memories of a girl who thinks me to be a creep.
I hope I’d be free from nightmares,
Enough is done with their persistent stares.

I wonder where my friends are: homework or asleep?
They’ve trusted me with numerous secrets to keep,
Should I wake them up, it’s ten,…
To show what I’ve written about them?

Maybe I should just go to bed right now.
Tomorrow’s going to be different, but I wonder how…
Sleep would stop, temporarily, my ramblings…
But thanks anyway for stopping by, stalking or stumbling.

I thought I saw a girl I know walk alongside the swimming pool

Annual inter-house Swimming meet today… When I was there this happened:

I thought I saw a girl I know walk alongside the swimming pool. It was hard to say if the pool was reflecting the spotless sky, or if her eyes reflected the pool. They were equally bright and equally welcoming. A hundred eyes were looking at her but she looked back at none, for she knew better than to be nice to people who only pretended to be nice to her. Someone from a distance screamed out her name and I think it was the name that inspired me. Beautiful. Just beautiful. She turned her head slowly as she still kept walking straight. Then she smiled at the distant pavilion pride in her eyes. Turning her eyes back to her path, she walked on. The water in the swimming pool bubbled as tiny drops of water fell from the sky from a single fast-moving cloud that had now made its way right above her. She looked up at the sky, squinting her eyes from the blazing sun. It was funny how it could drizzle on such a sunny day, just the way how so many ill thoughts could be thought about a girl like her. I was only one of those few hundred people who watched her. As she reached the end of the twenty-five meter pool, slowly people started turning back to their friends and starting conversations from where they ahd left off. I, for one, didn’t have anyone to speak to but even if I had someone to speak to, I would rather keep quiet than make an awkward conversation. So, I watched. The faintly familliar girl reached the announcers table and spoke. A few words must hvae been exchanged but the expression on her face didn’t change a single bit. The beautiful combination of honesty and confusion. People must have seen me watching the girl but no one bothered to tell me anything… for a moment. My instincts told me that it wasn’t very nice to stare at a person for long, but all I was really doing was recording every moment of the event in my mind for my blog so that someday she might come across this and read it. Maybe I’d be able to make her smile. She walked back the twenty-five meters, now without the drops of water pecking at her face, and once again people looked. She’d make her way to a few diaries, I thought. She walked all the way back and to where I was standing alone… When she was a few feet away from me, a huge banner covered the view of her face from mine. I looked at the banner as if I could see right through it. Then the very same face of the girl I saw walk alongside the swimming pool looked from under the banner. I bent down too. She waved at me… a few people turned around to look at me and I ignored the questions they must have had on their minds. I might have known her afterall.

I will show them

Sometimes the best feeling in the world makes you sad. This time, it is how much they love me that saddens me. Listen to “Ronan” by Taylor Swift in the meantime.

Silent tears in the shapes of love and laughter stream down my cheeks. Will they ever know? Will they ever care? I’m sure they’d care if they found out, but will they ever find out? They only would if they read this… but they are not going to. So, this is a story they’ll never know, a story they thought never got in to me, and a story they are never going to care about.  But I’ll fight till I’m out of breath, till I see through the dark clouds, till they see it as clearly as I do. The path, the only path and the right one. I’ll fight till I reach it and I’ll make sure they fight alongside me. I’ll be the difference, I’ll be the change, I’ll be the one strong enough to show them all. Do I sadden their souls? Am I part of the reason for unasked troubles? I’ve always been taught to fight for the right thing and that is exactly what I’m doing…  so why the tears? Why the mistakes? Why the hard times? One reason. Just one… nothing comes easy to you. The best prices are those which you fight for.

We’re going on our annual, and in this case our last, class trip. This time we’re headed to Ahungalla. While I hope I’d enjoy myself there, I’m definitely going to miss my friends who aren’t planning on going on the trip. Just a few promises before I go to bed: I’m not going to drop my NEW camera into water again, I’ll get photos so that my other friends don’t miss out on anything, make someone smile (I told her I would and I’ve already got the surprise for her), I will NOT forget that times would have been even better if the others were present. Also, I promise to take care of myself and to do nothing reckless. I need to save my neck because, I realised, there are still people who care.

I cry for what makes someone else sad… I smile for the good times that they have. Right now… is something wrong? Anything? Tell me and I’ll share your grief like it’s mine.

A Few People

Besides my mom, dad and brother there haven’t been many people who’ve been very easy for me to read. So when I do meet someone I think I can read, I get pretty excited.
Away from my rattlings, school starts tomorrow. School’s always filled with a lot of events and so I guess I’m in for another term full of fun-filled activities. This includes the class trips, the sports meet, the swimming meet, the awards ceremony and the drama competition. I, obviously, wouldn’t be part of all these activities but it’s always fun to help your friends out.

To forget everything for a moment, to look into a reddened eye and say that everything’s going to be alright, to sit in silence and listen to a song that reads our minds… that’s what makes it all beautiful. Even if it’s only for a short time, if you can escape time and space… that’s what I call being myself. To breathe in the warmth of being surrounded by people who care and to chase away the doubts about what’s right and what’s wrong is something that makes me feel good. I fall in love with moments like these. Only smiles, only laughter, only hopes, no steep falls to worry about. As cold as it may be outside and as rainy as it will ever get, you’re still warm when you’re with those few people who’d stay next to you no matter what. That’s when you feel what a smile really means… when you know the meaning behind it all, when a grin is only a grin. It’s all so easy to understand because you don’t have to look through. For once there’s someone in front of you who is only what they appear to be. No confusions to untangle, no thick skin to look through. And it’s when you’re with these few people that you forget everything for a moment and just be yourself. That’s when I feel myself.

Friend

We were having a conversation about friends and I realised how lucky I am to be called someone’s, anyone’s friend.

I feel blessed to have friends who care. To know that there’s someone out there who’d listen to me when I’ve got something to tell them. It’s the kind of friend who’d allow me to tell what I want and keep the rest to myself, but one who’d know what I haven’t told anyway. It’s the kind of person who relies on me for pinnacles in their lives and trusts me with things that they’re not advised to trust anyone with. One who is not afraid to call me by names that will never belong to me and one who calls me an idiot when I call them with names that truly belong to them. One who is truthful, one who tells me what I need to hear and what I don’t. I can tell them anything I want to and when I don’t speak they’d be confident when they say they will find out. One who doesn’t have to ask me to tell anything but one who I tell everything to. To share stories about imaginary friends and speaking to inanimate objects and one who doesn’t laugh when I tell them that I’ve been just as stupid as they’ve been. One who respects my opinions but questions them anyway. One who’d never speculate things that can’t be true. I feel proud to be called “friend” by someone who thinks so much like me that we say the same names at the same time. One who’d read their text messages to me without hesitation. One who’d listen to me when I read my text messages. One who never hesitates to tease me. One who knows just too well when to laugh, when to be sad and when just to be silent. I’ve got friends with who I’ve walked three stories without speaking a word. Just me, just them… heavy backpacks and not a single word. A friend who can speak through silence and to know I can comfort them with no words. Friends who I think are true friends for real. Friends who trust their back with me. Friend, Thank you.