I promise.

I haven’t committed a crime! I’ve only just spoken… when I was not supposed to. The content is not important either. When I heard his words, I regretted every word that I spoke. I had made him worry… about me, about his expectations. I am truly very sorry… and I promise that five-minute conversation I had with a friend would never happen again. Never in your presence, never when you’re doing what you do to make us all smile someday.

Your words hit hard on me. I felt like a million little needles were being pierced right through me. The thin, piercing way that hurt me as much as it didn’t. You weren’t even looking at me but your words came straight to me. They made their way into me, filling me to the core. Through my eyes, my ears and every inch of my skin breathed them in. I felt bad, so bad, about myself. I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t look at you… I couldn’t even look away, because I knew it wouldn’t make sense to look at someone else when the words were only meant for me. I looked down at the table instead… I knew you were watching me from the corners of your eyes. You pretended like the words weren’t for me, and every other person must have thought that way too… but, but, I knew. I knew, and that was all that mattered. You were speaking to me, I was listening to you… what difference does an audience make? I shed silent tears of shame and I couldn’t even muster the strength to look up at you. I only moved my eyes to focus on you on and off to see if you were looking my way. I didn’t want you to, and yet I wanted you to. Part of me wanted you to just scream at me, to tell me it was wrong to change ever so slightly, yet ever so greatly… your words were pointed at me, and I knew the arrow-heads were all staring at me, waiting to hit me in the heart. Your words were burning hot, melting my heart… your words were caring, they were hurt… and that killed me. They had so much power in them that nothing I did for the rest of the day seemed meaningful. Not even my favorite subjects at school.

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