Most of my posts here have come when there have been tears in my eyes. This post comes with tears as well. You may wonder why but you’d never guess because you’ve never given a thought to me. I have never meant anything more than a stranger taking the long way home or a girl who is too dumb to speak. I don’t think you ever considered that the only reason I take the long way home is to catch a glimpse of you or the fact that I lost my words when you stopped responding to me. I’m nothing more than a few words to you, someone you could wave away with a smile. Have you thought about how-  No, let this post just be blank.

Here’s my book!

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Image

I can’t find the words to say to you but when you look at me I remember who I am.

“We love you guys”

I remember how last year I had a post saying “It is you we will miss”. That was for the batch that left school last year. It’s our turn now and when I stood on stage today and looked out at the audience, there was just nothing I could do about it. Watching batch after batch leave, I knew our turn would come but I never even planned on how I’d cope with it because it never dawned on me that it’d come so soon. We’d leave. It’s almost as if our days are limited. It is. Next Friday and that would just be it. I heard someone scream “We love you guys” and I was just making sure to stay strong. To stay strong enough to keep myself calm so that the memories will not rush into me. With the years we became more than just a batch or just friends… because we were more and we will always be. Year after year I told myself that I’d miss them but that I’d move on. This year I can’t tell myself that, it’d just be a lie. I know I’m going to miss my friends and I can’t even tell myself that I’d move on cos I know I won’t.

SPEAK

When both of us have grown up some day we might bump in to each other. I hope that you’d still remember me and greet me the same way you did a few years ago. This is to you… I know you always loved me even though you couldn’t quite tell me that in words.

Your eyes… they’re full of wonder. Always seeking, always wanting more. I loved them from the moment I saw them. They remind me of black marbles. So full of excitement. And when you cry, your eyes always smile. They smile at me and it makes me happy.
Your hair… black and all anyone could ever ask for. They leave me in tears and when you look at me asking for an answer, I smile and brush my hand through your hair. It reminds me of all what could really be.
You palm still feels so alive in mine. You just sit there and stare at me like that explains everything. Well, to you and me… it does explain everything we ever wanted to know. Your fingers pluck the at the strings of my life. You meddle with my life almost as if it’s your very own guitar. You play the tune of my life.
You’re always full of life and alive in my heart. You never fail to put a smile on my face… you teach me time and again of how you are all the thoughts I need to smile, to be happy, to be me.
I hope that the next time I come to see you, you wouldn’t be there. I hope that when I say your name, they’d say you left a long time ago. I hope that I don’ t meet you there again even when I come looking for you… because I hope you’re out there planning on what we’d talk for the rest of our lives when we do meet as grown ups.
I hope my doorbell would ring one day and I’d open up to see you… Your eyes, your hair, your hand. I hope you ask for my name on that day… and I’ll say your name after mine. We could speak for the rest of our lives.

I’m sorry, you just gave in.

You know how sometimes you ask someone a question and then realise you shouldn’t have asked it at all? That’s all I can think of today.

People have been telling me this over and over again over the last five years… and what have I done? I’ve smiled, told them I didn’t know and tried to speak of something else. I was never able to listen to them say that, never able to stand the thought of it… but today, I have no choice. I’ve come to the same conclusion they did a long time ago. There was no question… it was just so clear and this time I couldn’t turn away from the obvious because I found it myself.

I’m sorry. I thought you were being extremely mean to me… turns out you didn’t have a choice. I know you always liked the attention and sympathy. I’ll give all you want… I just want to see you smile. I just want to go back to the times when neither one of us knew these big words. All we knew was that we’d grow up to be writers and designers. Things changed on the way and I didn’t know why till today. I’m here with you.

 

 

 

Lot’s of people want to be smiled at, and when someone as cool as you smiles at me I have no choice but to be flattered.

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