You’re Going Down Tonight

Things make so much more sense once you know what you’re talking about

You’ve teased about the way I look and bullied about the decisions I’ve made. You laughed at me, made me hate you and every time I reached out to push you away from me, I killed a small part of myself. Every time you tickled me with your thoughts and made me insecure, you took away the best bits about me. I tried to destroy you the way you were destroying me but you were out of reach, unaffected, intangible. Sitting in that corner all by yourself, laughing at my vain attempts was you, laughing still, making reasons to push me to the end yet again. Tonight you’re doing it all over again. You’re pulling at my heartstrings, playing the death tune in my head and whispering in my ears to make the impulsive decision I’ve struggled not to make all this while. I want to do it, I want to kill you.. be rash, be impulsive, be everything you’re tempting me to be. Tonight the dagger’s going right into your heart, the poison will run through your veins, the words you haunt me with day after day, second after second, will go right down the drain. Tonight I’m strong because you’re weak. You won’t survive the fall this time, you can’t laugh at me anymore. I know the risks, I know the consequences, I know that every step towards you is a step away from tomorrow but I’m taking it. I’m taking this step because all that matters right now is to put a stop to you… Tonight, you’re going down.

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One More Time

One last time I’m going to look into your eyes and drown in your tears, one last time I’m going to do it all over again.
The only thing that haunts me is your memory…
And I’ll never find a way to let go

Everything looks blurry from here. Blurry from the tears that fill my eyes… tears that were never supposed to be here in the first place. The beads of pain that form inside my eyes and dry before they leak out… You look like a vague memory of a long forgotten person but your breath so warm on my shoulder gives me chills. The smell of sweat from a warm summer’s day and your fingers entangled with mine… The breeze blowing across my face… I can see ourselves sitting there years from now, rocking on our chairs but I can’t see a foot ahead of me from all the tears that I’ll never let you see. You hurt me but that keeps me alive. I can’t let go…. I just can’t. The moment I put myself an inch away from you I know that you’d disappear… like the imaginary friends who disappear when you stop believing and the memories kids forget when they outgrow them. You’re only just a distant thought, something so close to my heart but something I can’t reach out for. Your firm grip holds me in place, steady steps… strong on the outside but broken, empty and fading from the inside.  A dimly lit world illuminates the life that we share… the one that’s fading so fast. The colours that define everything around us are the lights that guide us to that place far away, but they’re dimmer tonight than ever before. The tears are burning my eyes but I turn around letting you escape the moment and letting myself get lost in the moment instead. I want you here but I can only do so by letting go. After all, you’re only just a memory back to haunt me, and the only way I can have your memory back is to forget you in the first place.

You deserve someone better

Sometimes you just know that you’re not good enough. This is one of those times.

Something in your pretty eyes tells me a story,
They tell me that there’s nothing to worry.
Something makes me think just one more time;
What is not to like about you being mine?
There’s something about the way you smile
That adds to your unique and peculiar style.
It tells me you love me and you do really care;
The way you smile when they say things and stare.
I love the way your spectacles sit on your face
Waiting for me and a  warm loving embrace.
Hiding the sparkle behind them that defines you
Is the beautiful story that speaks about you.
Sometimes I turn away before you do,
So that you have no idea or clue
About why I pretend I don’t know,
And you wouldn’t question me so.

I just want you to know you’re amazing
Beautiful, handsome and a little bit crazy,
But you deserve someone better than me…
I’m just not the one for you even if you are for me.

You’re asking me why and I smile and say that it’s a long story. When you say you’re ready to listen I tell you that I’ve forgotten t he story. Did it ever cross your mind that the reason stands before me or that the reason lives within you? Because sometimes I look at you and I know you’re completely oblivious to how much you’ve changed my life.

Aside

Good as Dead

Everything around us is broken, and so are we. Incomplete. We’re standing tall and standing strong on our own, but we’re only as good as dead.

That night when the rain poured in buckets and lightning seeped through the curtains, I stayed awake shivering, shaking, waiting for the break of dawn. Tonight the sky’s clear… no clouds, no rain and most of all, no lightning. The cold wind blows against my face and I hear cheery voices and laughs from down the road. I’m awake. Not afraid this time, but too tired to go to sleep now. I don’t even know what I feel anymore because I’m shivering and I don’t know if it’s  because the night’s so chilly or because thinking of you makes me feel so cold on the inside. All I used to know of you was warmth but all I can think of now is how your last embraces were cold and your last words were nothing more than excuses that you thought I fell for. You were turning cold and yet you tried so hard to keep the warmth inside you because that was the only thing that connected you and me and that’s what still makes you human enough to run into my mind any time you want to.
Just the way our paper boats made their way through the cracks in the war-torn walls I’m drifting away tonight… I’m drifting away to someplace far and a place that seems so unclear and uncertain now. I’m looking for the cracks in our stories that would lead me there, lead me to you and lead me to the memories that I’d love to relive. The rain washed away the boats that day leaving pieces of it stuck on to the battered path that led them to where they were heading. Here I am collecting the pieces of you and me that we left back somewhere in the past we forgot.
I’m breathing, I’m holding on.
I’m sitting by the old tree, all on my own this time. The tree has finished its time on earth and I’m just wondering when we did … I stare at the roots rotting away and recall the times when they were alive and cracked the soil with their strength. Like you and me, the tree was strong enough to have the earth in its hands. We lost hold of the earth when we let go of what held our hands together; the tree let go as well. Now the tree is broken, and so are we. Incomplete. Good as dead but standing still.
I remember the adventures we took and the prices we payed. I remember your sweet smile, your face when it shone with pride as we caught the lemons that life threw at us… I remember every moment, every expression, every thought that you shared with me.
You broke your promises just as fast as you made them and I did nothing to stop you. I thought we were better off this way but now I realise that we may be standing tall and standing strong on our own, but somewhere deep inside we’re only as good as dead.
Only as good as dead.

A Georgian Chocolate wrapper

This one’s about my flatmate (I’m not mentioning the name because I’m not sure how she’d react if I did) and a long chocolate story with a bet somewhere in the middle. I’m writing this to Thank her for the chocolate and the wrapper… I have never been the one to have words spoken at my command and hence this written blog post.
This one’s for Zee and Asho… because you guys asked me to keep telling the stories. Here’s my first story from here… unedited 🙂

A week back I was in the kitchen and my friend was there as well.
We had a small conversation:
“I’m eating cucumbers now. I can’t believe it!”…
“You don’t eat cucumbers also? What’s the tastiest vegetable… umm… it would be tomatoes…”
“Tomatoes are fruits”
“No, they’re vegetables.”
“No, it’s a fruit.”
“Fine, they’re both… but they’re more vegetables.”
“They’re fruits. What’s the bet?”
“Umm… a… well…”
“What do you want?”
“Chocolate. A small slab of chocolate.”
I said this because I know she how much she likes chocolates and it’d be really nice to see her giving the one thing she loves so much after losing a bet.

So we both went to our rooms and googled the issue. Answers were both. A fruit and a vegetable. We both lost. We both won. We both deserved chocolates.

After class that day I got her a chocolate and wrote a note that said
“Congratulations on winning 50% of the bet. I’m still awesome :3 Enjoy the chocolate!”

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A while later, all of us had the chocolate together.
And then I went back to my books and so did everyone else.

About an hour later I heard something or someone at my door. I took little notice of it because the last time we did we ended up thinking the place was haunted. Then my door opened and there stood the friend who was so certain about tomatoes being only just fruits. I screamed and almost fell off the chair, for no apparent reason. She said she was sorry, closed the door and left. That was shocking and suspicious. Only then I noticed that there was something on my table that didn’t quite belong there. It was a chocolate wrapper, except it wasn’t just a chocolate wrapper. It was filled with words (and you know how much I love words). Half way through reading it I stopped to make sure this was meant for me because it was so beautiful. I didn’t know what to say about it and that’s why I’m writing it here. For my absence of words may have been considered an ignorance of the piece of paper that meant so much to me.

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The next day I came home after a class where we had all performed dreadfully and were feeling devastated by what the teacher had told us. I left my bag and went to the table to find something out of place yet again. Chocolate. A slab of chocolate with a sticky note that had a hand drawn little elephant carrying a sign board with a tomato.

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Sometimes all it takes to brighten up someone’s day is a little surprise. A surprise that comes unasked for and surprises that remind you that life’s worth taking the hard roads for. I never told my friend how much that chocolate wrapper or finding that slab of chocolates meant to me because I never really found the words to make it sound real. That’s why I’m writing here. Those who read my blog know that only stories that really matter to me end up on my blog… and considering the length of this post I think you’d be able to guess just how much this meant to me. Georgian chocolates are the best, but you know what’s better than Georgian chocolates? Words on a Georgian chocolate wrapper that comes as a surprise…

The Best Conversation

Sometimes the best conversations are in which no words are exchanged.

The best conversations we have are the ones in which we don’t speak, because that’s the only time we aren’t fighting. The silence is mesmerizing and beautiful and explains things words will never be able to. I see the meaning behind the silence as you look at me and as you look away. You spill the secrets you would never want me to know when you’re not speaking.I see the secrets you hold and the reasons behind the smiles you silently let me see. You turn away as if a look at me might kill you but I’ve noticed the times when you have actually doubled back to see if I reach home safe and the times when you’ve hidden behind the trees just to make sure that I’m not someone company. You forget time and again that I’m watching you just the same way too… watching you hoping you’d be the first one to share a friendly smile. Why does it have to be that our way of showing how much we care for each other actually be through rude words and hating each other for things never done and things never told. You’re here again, sitting across me. For a second our eyes meet and I see my reflection there. It matches the expressions you wear. I wonder if you see the same in me… and I’ll keep wondering till I know for sure.

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