Sigmund Freud And I- The Psychology thought for Today

A cell not spoken of

Barred by our mistakes, held captive by our own little worlds, scarred for life by the times we try to keep the scars away from others, we pretend to move on with life when we’re only walking in circles.
We speak of the many prisoners and their lives in the tiny cells they call home but we often forget the cells we’ve forced ourselves to live in.

I’ve been barred into a tiny prison cell by the mistakes my mind thinks I’ve made, pushed into a corner by my inmate, my thoughts, limited myself by the selfish ways I think about myself and scarred by the times I’ve been hurt by trying not to hurt anyone else. And yet I smile for the world, pose for the photos and cry in the darkest hours of the night when no one’s watching and no one’s listening. Sometimes I wonder why I do all of this and it sometimes occurs to me that I’m doing all this to hurt the one person I tried so hard not to hurt for so long. It occurs to me how selfish I am, how stupid and how pretentious I am, holding my head high when the world itself is crashing down all around me. I’m walking barefoot on the road that has been littered with broken glass and broken promises that have been put there to hurt me but it doesn’t hurt me anyway. Just the way it didn’t hurt you to see my heart broken. I’d go through all this pain just to catch a glimpse of that beautiful smile you once wore on your face day after day just for me. Hoping that maybe if I hurt myself enough, I’d be able to get rid of that throbbing pain at the back of my mind that reminds me so much of you. Maybe by giving away that little bit of myself that still remains of me, I’d be able to take back the entirety of myself that I gave to you. Selfish, hoping with all that remains of me even that that last bit of hope breaks me down. I want you here selfishly, like a child wants the balloon that burst. How much more screaming would it take before you hear your name bouncing off the edges of the world until it reaches your ears? How much longer should I hold on for before you load your gun and pull the trigger? Where are you when I need you the most… where are those warm brown eyes and that smile that I still see so clearly when I close my eyes? I’m locked up in my own prison, behind bars.. bars that are made of just words that spell out the mistakes I’ve made – the wrong people I’ve trusted, letting go of a hand I was supposed to hold close to me, the times when I killed myself a little at a time hoping one of those nights, you’d be there holding out your hand for me smiling and pulling me out of my grave like you promised. I’ve trapped myself inside me so that the only thing you’d see is the self I portray to the world… I’m thinking now, is it really worth it?

Do I know You?

How much should you know a person before you can say you know them? Sometimes we meet people and then never speak to them again.. never find the address, never the last name, never even find out if they remember you the way you remember them. But that doesn’t make us forget the tiny fraction of a second we shared with them.

Your eyes, they’re sparkling again
Your face, it twitches in pain
Your hair, it rustles in the breeze
I watch your heart slowly freeze
Your lips, they curve into a smile
In your hands is a legal file
Your dimples, they speak
You watch my legs go weak
Your touch, it brings me back
There is something your words do lack
Your pen scribbles down my name
Nothing again will ever be the same
Your fingers, they run across the paper
And there I neatly place my signature
Without another look you walk away
Your shoes, they’ve got their own way
I stare after you, our deal here’s done
We’ll leave the place just the way we’ve come
No word will be spoken though well known
You’ll be elsewhere and I’ll be alone
But that’s how the story goes, so goodbye
Like our story, having known you is just a lie

Did you stop and wonder why? Did you question my answers?

Rage about my decisions, thrown my words back at me, slam the door on my face and walk away. I won’t say a word, just go ahead and curse me under your breath and spit venomous words at me, wish you had never met me. I’ll still say nothing. I’ll still smile, even if that takes everything I’m made of to do, lock the door once slammed, switch off the lights you forgot to switch off and run to the window to watch you leave. You left without a backward glance, without second thought about the words you had screamed, without a single thought about the girl you just left in tears. You were gone before I had a chance to speak and so I remain silent till you give me that chance.

Aside