still shielding a sinister soul

The fact that you have no clue who you’re reading about shows that no matter what I say, I will continue to shield that sinister soul.
I’ve dropped my defences in your defence, lost myself looking for the part of you that I lost, given up fixing hearts because they’ve only broken mine. I’ve given up on the picture I painted of you because you remind me of who I used to be.

I’ve been fighting the world because all they’ve ever got to say is nasty things about you. And in your defence, I’ve dropped mine, allowed people to say things about me I’ve never wanted to hear. I’ve let them curse me for building that impenetrable shield around you, for trying to protect you from those disgraceful words they shot at you. In your defence I allowed them to swear under their breaths when I walked past them, allowed them to make a fool out of the image I put up for you, make myself a coward… and I didn’t care because I was still holding you up. And as long as you were above me, I didn’t mind being the underdog.

When you lost a part of yourself I thought you had left it behind in me so I looked all over myself, trying to make you complete. And when I couldn’t find it I thought maybe it was I who had lost a part of you, and in my quest to find that part of you that used to reside so perfectly within me, I lost something else. I lost the meaning in me, the very thing that defined me. I lost more of myself than I lost you and I still didn’t stop looking for you because I thought it would fix me in the end. But it turns out I can never find the part of you that I lost; and worse, I don’t think I’ll ever find my lost self either.

I tried to fix broken hearts the way you used to sew together my broken world. I’ve given up. It turns out the healer needs healing too, the writer runs out of words to speak as well… because the healer gets wounded too, and speaking was never the writer’s job. I realise now that by trying to make you smile, all I ever did was rob myself of the smiles. I know now that sewing together broken hearts isn’t as easy as the impression you gave me. They’ve only broken mine a little bit more.

The brush strokes that drew together that beautiful picture of you in my mind are starting to fade away now but the ink is still so fresh. I’ve used that very ink to paint an imposter of a smile on my face; a smile I put up for the world to hide the pain of seeing minute parts of your shattered soul in the eyes of someone else.



2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Zeeshan
    Apr 16, 2014 @ 20:39:10

    This was amazing, Zulaiha. Care to mend something I broke?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: