I came with a warning

I asked you to step away a long time ago and you cried that night. You smiled at my closed door whispered things you thought I couldn’t hear. When the silence in your pauses and the truth in your face cleared in my mind I came out. You screamed, you threw a tantrum… just because. You said I was an “effing fool” and I said, “I’m telling you before it’s too late!”. But that night changed everything… It was the biggest decision I made, I decided to pull close to my heart the people I kept away. I decided to pierce holes through my shield for you because you said you had the right to be close to me, even if I had none to have you with me. So, I broke my rules, I thought it was alright to hurt once more. I told you over and over again that I was going to hurt you but you said over and over again that it was your choice to get hurt.

We walked from that day like nothing happened at all. Sometimes I wondered if you didn’t remember at all but once by accident you told me I was right. But having said too much, you hung up and I was left to complete the story. I was left to decide that I was an “effing fool” after all.

You and I always knew. You and I knew that every time you called my name, there was coldness in your voice. That edge to it, hanging somewhere between knowing someone enough or knowing too much. You were afraid to walk across the barriers I had put up, and I wasn’t helping you. How could I? I was just as lost in us as you were. I didn’t know where we stood in the huge complicated space of our own. Did we even? And afraid of all the things you may say, and afraid of all the things I may, we both ignored the facts I had put straight to you that night. I had played my cards face-down and you trusted yours in my hand, knowing that sooner or later I was going to play them wrong.

You never walked away like all those people promised you would, and I stopped trying to reason with you. In fact, I liked being with you. Damn, I liked it a lot more than I even showed!
It didn’t take too long to hide the pieces of the puzzle, the love of your life. It didn’t take too long at all, but it took long enough. It took just enough time for us to grow close, then grow apart. And it hurts.

I fell for the person I promised not to, and you embraced me from the fall the way no one else did. I thought for a moment I found the arms where loneliness wasn’t a burden, but rather a beauty. I though you and I had a journey to embark, a land to find and a dream to build. They all came crashing down the moment you realized my words were the truth. That I wasn’t all that a liar like you thought I was. I stare at you now and I realize where I’ve lost myself. I lost me in us, I lost life in love, I lost beauty in sadness. I grew into all the things we were without each other.

I wonder now what would have happened if I hadn’t come back that night.. it would have hurt you but not as much as I am going to hurt you now. Enough, but not enough to push us both so far apart when we stand here so close.

Except it didn’t happen. You believed in the girl who didn’t believe in herself. You said you’d rather take the risk than allow me to take the chance. You said you didn’t care if you died, you said it’d be worth it. You disregarded my concern. You loved me above and around all my flaws… and I let you.

It hurts a whole lot to me and I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t hurt you. I came with a warning, but you ignored it. You said I’d see how wrong I was… I don’t know anymore.


I’m Afraid

Written for a few people here and there

I’m afraid of all the hearts I’m yet to break,
All the happiness and smiles I’m yet to fake,
Of all the truth I’ll keep in disguise
And all the times I’ll fall for your lies.

I’m afraid of all the things I might know,
Know enough, know too little or more.
Of the people who promised every night and day
Just because… they had nothing else to say.

I’m afraid of the love you hide in your eyes,
Of blooming buds, meteor showers and starry skies,
Of not having you to witness our wishlist
Or forgetting that it’s you I should miss.

I’m afraid of the words you’d read,
All the rumours and fires you’d feed,
Of what you’ve made of me and more,
Of not having you at my front door.

I’m afraid of all the things I’d never say,
All the things I might not hear someday.
Of watching you walk out of my sight,
To have you gone by morning light.

I remember how it felt like to see you smile… I remember how bold I felt defending you in front of people I’ve been terrified of. I remember how having you near gave me the strength I never had. I remember how I stood in the pouring rain so you could stay dry. I remember the feeling you gave me every time you walked besides me… I remember being so proud of you. I remember being your only. I remember nothing else. I remember how holding you close felt like wearing a shield. Somewhere on the way, I dropped the shield, allowed myself to be attacked. Watched myself bleed to death, listened to voices that never existed before, saw things in the mirror I never expected to see. Anyone could hurt me, but the last person I thought could hurt me was the soul that I protected.

Black Hole

You could be an average star and die a white dwarf or be a massive star and die a black hole. To someone whose attempt to be a star seemed to me like being sucked in by a black hole.

You have an ego so big that you forget that I’ve got one too. I fight to live as well, so when you put me down like that a part of me gives up hope. My chances of tomorrow come down, my hope of life is dimmed till all I see are fading lights in the distance. I stare at how bright you shine with me kicked out of your spotlight and I realise how little I actually know about you. And in my vain attempt to know for real who you are, I ask you if you’re feeling alright. That’s how much it takes to remind me that I don’t belong in your circle of friends, that’s how much it takes for you to break me down like a vase made of glass thrown against the wall. I shield myself from the weight of your words thrown at me and cover my eyes from the light you’ve stolen from everyone around you. Of course you shine the brightest but even the brightest stars become black holes before they die.