I came with a warning

I asked you to step away a long time ago and you cried that night. You smiled at my closed door whispered things you thought I couldn’t hear. When the silence in your pauses and the truth in your face cleared in my mind I came out. You screamed, you threw a tantrum… just because. You said I was an “effing fool” and I said, “I’m telling you before it’s too late!”. But that night changed everything… It was the biggest decision I made, I decided to pull close to my heart the people I kept away. I decided to pierce holes through my shield for you because you said you had the right to be close to me, even if I had none to have you with me. So, I broke my rules, I thought it was alright to hurt once more. I told you over and over again that I was going to hurt you but you said over and over again that it was your choice to get hurt.

We walked from that day like nothing happened at all. Sometimes I wondered if you didn’t remember at all but once by accident you told me I was right. But having said too much, you hung up and I was left to complete the story. I was left to decide that I was an “effing fool” after all.

You and I always knew. You and I knew that every time you called my name, there was coldness in your voice. That edge to it, hanging somewhere between knowing someone enough or knowing too much. You were afraid to walk across the barriers I had put up, and I wasn’t helping you. How could I? I was just as lost in us as you were. I didn’t know where we stood in the huge complicated space of our own. Did we even? And afraid of all the things you may say, and afraid of all the things I may, we both ignored the facts I had put straight to you that night. I had played my cards face-down and you trusted yours in my hand, knowing that sooner or later I was going to play them wrong.

You never walked away like all those people promised you would, and I stopped trying to reason with you. In fact, I liked being with you. Damn, I liked it a lot more than I even showed!
It didn’t take too long to hide the pieces of the puzzle, the love of your life. It didn’t take too long at all, but it took long enough. It took just enough time for us to grow close, then grow apart. And it hurts.

I fell for the person I promised not to, and you embraced me from the fall the way no one else did. I thought for a moment I found the arms where loneliness wasn’t a burden, but rather a beauty. I though you and I had a journey to embark, a land to find and a dream to build. They all came crashing down the moment you realized my words were the truth. That I wasn’t all that a liar like you thought I was. I stare at you now and I realize where I’ve lost myself. I lost me in us, I lost life in love, I lost beauty in sadness. I grew into all the things we were without each other.

I wonder now what would have happened if I hadn’t come back that night.. it would have hurt you but not as much as I am going to hurt you now. Enough, but not enough to push us both so far apart when we stand here so close.

Except it didn’t happen. You believed in the girl who didn’t believe in herself. You said you’d rather take the risk than allow me to take the chance. You said you didn’t care if you died, you said it’d be worth it. You disregarded my concern. You loved me above and around all my flaws… and I let you.

It hurts a whole lot to me and I’m not going to pretend like it doesn’t hurt you. I came with a warning, but you ignored it. You said I’d see how wrong I was… I don’t know anymore.


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