I’ll Remember

I will remember every sentence you left hanging mid-air, I’ll remember every story you ever told… and even though you’re going to grow up and you’ll start combing your hair different I’ll still remember the way your face looked when you were eighteen and your heart weighed heavier than your legs could carry. I’ll remember how you used to remember the words, the memories and the truth. I’ll remember you for trusting me above yourself, for telling me I was the only friend you’ve got, then doubting yourself and telling me I wasn’t me, then going back to your initial decision. When you forget the password to all the secrets you still keep in your mind, I’ll tell you the stories just the way I did years ago and I’ll listen to your heart fasten every time I mention a name that you used to consider part of your own. I’ll remember the way you promised yourself never to look this way or that again, and when you do, that’s what I won’t remind you. Those promises you made after years of pain but decided to let go after years more… I won’t remind you of them. When by chance we meet across the street with stories of our own that we never got to share, I’ll shake your hand and allow you to introduce yourself to me all over again.

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So many stories untold, so many pages unturned, so many memories unwritten die in the scarred palms of those that fought battles they never spoke about. So many driven to insanity by their very minds, so many who died with an unwritten ending or an incomprehensible beginning. I’m looking for all the beginnings you hid, and all the middles that you didn’t know where to fit in, I’m looking for.. you. To learn. To understand. To know. I want to know you more than your well practiced smiles. I want to know you beneath your bright eyes. I want to know your battle scars and your fears. Your tears and all the secrets you hid from yourself. Tell me your story, and allow me to read through all the pages of your unwritten script.. and maybe; maybe I’ll let you see mine.

Reflection

The space between your fingers and mine speaks volumes. Almost as loud as the first time you whispered my name after rolling it in your tongue several times, the sound I fell for faster than you could catch me. We stand so close; so close that I could watch all the thoughts you’re thinking… but our eyes look away. Those fleeting moments when I do catch your eyes, they’re unfocussed. I wonder where your mind has been wandering… into the open palm of a girl who has heard your words but never touched them, or into the bitter sweet lies you’ve made another fall for? My eyes water but I don’t let you see the tears you’d never wipe away so I’m all sunshine and rainbows for the boy who asks me to say cheese. I don’t like cheese but this is no time for arguments so I do as I’m told. It’s the easy way out and but I am not looking for my way out because the longer I bury my pains, the longer I get to watch your mind play with mine. But I can’t stand it much longer… I throw up my words like a heavy drinker too drunk for the night and in the bowl of reflection, I feel my throat burning from all the misery that fills my breath and the pain I couldn’t digest myself stains my dress with blotches of tears too salty for the rain to wash away. In this mirror that I look into, I meet the eyes that stare into mine and grab the words out of me, before they can reflect them back to me, before they fall to the ground like forgotten promises. I look in the mirror and I think I’ve found the eyes that care, the mind that wanders to think of the sound of my heart beating, the hand that takes the space between your fingers and mine, and the words that seep through the cracks to find the broken pieces and put them back to place.

You stood in front of me, giving me a shadow to hide behind. You said every bullet had to go past you to reach me and I tried hard to jump ahead of you and take the bullet first but you had built a shield so carefully around me that you said if I was being kicked out of my mind, you’d kick yourself out as well. You stood for me when I had trouble standing up for myself and you loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You didn’t try to mold me or fix my insides, you just promised to be there even when the storm passes by and leaves me broken. And you kept your promise. You stood there and watched me as I grew up and became all the things I am today. I’m writing to thank you for being there for me, for believing in me, for trusting me before you could even hear me out. Thank you for loving me above everything else you’ve ever loved.