Some of my favorite stories are Yours (even though I don’t remember most of them)

I hope the weather’s nice and you’re doing fine. I hope we meet soon.

“You won’t even remember me!” You say as if you’re proud of the distance you’ve put between us, as if there’s only so little to remember about you… as if that’s the best thing that could ever happen to us. You say that with so much pride that it makes me feel as though I’ve always been the rain cloud in your perfectly sunny day. You say that as if all the years we’ve shared can simply slip past me, because they’ve already slipped away from you. And I stare at the wall ahead of me, your laugh echoing in my ear… a smile plastered to my face I say “Yeah” as if it’s the easiest decision I’ve ever made.

The door’s closed now, and even though I still hear your favorite songs through the walls of your sister’s room it sounds nothing like the way they did when you told me the lyrics you had tattooed into your life meant nothing. The songs, the words, the poems we made a life out of- they feel nothing with you. What I’ve learnt is that closed doors don’t make it any easier to forget you. If anything, it makes it harder.

I’ve told my friends how you stared into space one day and saw a ghost, how you told me stories about the bit of your life that I wasn’t part of, about how we built fortresses together and how your stories were always the best, but I’ve never told them how when I try to think of you now, the first thing I remember is how easy it was for you to ignore my presence. When I think of you I remember how you looked at me like I was a storm that was never quite in place. How when I think of you I remember too many things too hard to forget

With my ear pressed against the phone, I listen to your words. You’ve always had your way around words but why was it that day when I was held victim, you looked at me and looked away and walked without a word, as if I wasn’t worth a single word from your exquisite vocabulary. You said you had nothing to say to me, so how come you’ve got so much to say to me today?

I say “yeah” as if I’ve been waiting all along for you to say I’d forget you, as if that’s the obvious. You say goodbye, you say you don’t know when you’ll see me again, you said it’s alright. “Okay,” I say as though it never bothered me that we are finally living our dreams but living in pain.

So I wear your pearls; the ones you said you almost fell into the water trying to get a hold on, as I listen to your voice on the phone. Somewhere far away, in a country I didn’t know before, in a city I’ve never been to, from a room that plays your favorite song you tell me you’re fine. I bring the necklace up to my teeth. The pearls are real, I can hear the song in the background. I never forgot the words, and you know you ignored me. You say I’d forget you, and I laugh. I don’t have the heart to tell you I can’t.


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